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We watched a little of The Voice earlier in the week, and a little of the season of Top Chef that certain teenagers in the system are fond of, and then tried out America's Next Top Model and concluded that it was (for us, no judgement to others meant) junk food -- enjoyable in the moment but afterwards we felt fairly ill. I am not certain why it is we are not consuming any visual fiction when there is so much that everyone wants to see, but it will probably change when the weather gets colder -- and as I type this I realise that I know perfectly well why, nobody wants to have emotions right now and fiction is much more likely to evoke emotions by surprise than reality TV. Could there perhaps be a connection between this steadfast desire to avoid emotions (which is rationalised by 'There isn't any free time to feel anything during') and the lack of energy I was complaining about in my last post? There could!
Really, you would think that after all these years I would know, and yet every year it takes me by surprise, the pattern of time and shutting down and then being shut down and then realising it and altering course to change it so that I am actually living in my life instead of either lying down avoiding it or skating from one thing to the next at high velocity so I do not notice that I am not engaged. Still, I can at least take some pride in the short duration of the cycle this year -- about ten days in total, I think.
I had been going to write about music and reading but I was derailed by self-realisation and now my smol daughter would really like a snack, so perhaps later. But this, this is why I am writing here -- the talking to other people is wonderful, it is a good feeling when people comment, all of that is marvelous, but look, here I am paying attention to myself and seeing more clearly where I wish to be going.
Really, you would think that after all these years I would know, and yet every year it takes me by surprise, the pattern of time and shutting down and then being shut down and then realising it and altering course to change it so that I am actually living in my life instead of either lying down avoiding it or skating from one thing to the next at high velocity so I do not notice that I am not engaged. Still, I can at least take some pride in the short duration of the cycle this year -- about ten days in total, I think.
I had been going to write about music and reading but I was derailed by self-realisation and now my smol daughter would really like a snack, so perhaps later. But this, this is why I am writing here -- the talking to other people is wonderful, it is a good feeling when people comment, all of that is marvelous, but look, here I am paying attention to myself and seeing more clearly where I wish to be going.
